Thankful Thursday ~ Birthday Parties And Mini Meltdowns And 29 Again!

On this Thankful Thursday  I realized it is my Birthday Eve!

Yes, in my book it is never too soon to start celebrating your birthday. I love birthdays, but I think I got that from my mom.

Last year I threw a little birthday celebration for myself at the house and it was really quite fun. But what followed was not what I expected, and I can remember it like it was yesterday.

I will be honest. The day after my birthday I had what some might call a mini meltdown. I was sitting in the parking lot at the local shopping center ready to run in and pick up some makeup when I just simply fell apart.

The meltdown had nothing to do with the fact that I was or wasn’t 29 or if 40 was the new 20 and 50 the new 30.  And it didn’t have anything to do with did I  seriously need Botox and was it healthy or not.  No, those questions were irrelevant.

This had everything to do with it being my first birthday without my dad.

This mile stone made it official. I was parentless. I don’t know if “parentless” is a word, but I really dislike the word “orphan.” Both of my parents were gone and I was just plain tired of the weary journey we had walked for almost six years.

I was tired of death, of grief, of loss. I was tired of shattered dreams and of moving, unpacking, letting go of stuff, sorting stuff, and I was tired of Plan B and Plan C.  I was tired of people letting Winters down. I was tired of people letting me down. I was just plain tired.  Everything wasn’t fine and I knew it.

And then the questions started coming.  The ones that spin in your head and leave you dazed.  Questions like, “Will this pain in my heart ever go away’?” “Who will encourage me to hang onto the dreams that are hard to hang onto;?” “Will I ever finish my books;?” “Will I be like my mom and never finish the dreams I have set before me;?” “Will Winters reinvent himself into the author he longs to be;?” “Will we ever get our life back?”

Then with that reflection, I knew it wasn’t a perfect life we have had, but it was a good life all the same. But now our future was so uncertain.

I knew life was hard, the Bible is filled with hard journeys including that of our Lord and Savior.  M. Scott Peck told us in the first line of his book, The Road Less Traveled, that “life is hard.” Everyone knows life is hard, but really, why must life be so hard? And I cried some more.

After lots of tears one of my dear friends called me while I was in the middle of my mini meltdown. Thank God for good friends who impart great wisdom just when you need it.  Winters calls them “SAMs,” he is right because that is just what they are.

Her wisdom of the day was quite simple and her timing perfect.

“You are grieving, my friend.”

Yes, that was it. My life had changed forever and would never be the same. I knew that … didn’t I know that?  Did it take Beth to tell me that? We shared for quite a while and she listened to my sad story once again and let me cry and have my mini meltdown just a day after our joyous celebration of my Birthday.

For you see, Beth knew loss too.  Beth lost her dad about the same time I lost my mom.  She knew my pain and shared it with me.  That’s what the body of Christ looks like to one another – sometimes we just need to grieve with each other.

Last October I began to see my life from a different vantage point, that from my mother and my fathers. As the questions whirled around in my mind faster than I could process them, I had to remind myself that I was different.  I had faced death, loss, pain, rejection, shattered dreams and shattered relationships.

The worst was that the two critical pillars in my life disappeared before my eyes and the desire to rebuild our lives in Oklahoma was now a distant memory.  It was just too much to bear.

It was grief.

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I pulled myself together as Beth and I spoke that day in the parking lot, but I was still frayed.

Several weeks later a close friend died. We were only weeks apart in age and it was almost too much to bear.

This was the beginning of a healing journey for me almost 364 days ago.  Within that time a lot has happened and God has performed miracles in our lives and souls, but I am a work in progress.

So today on this Thankful Thursday and my Birthday Eve I could not think of a better way to end this Thankful Thursday than by sharing just some of the lyrics of “Blessing” by Laura Story.

“What if your blessing comes through rain drops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near.

What if trials in this life are your mercies in disguise.

What if my greatest disappointment

Or the aching of this life

Is the reveiling of a greatest thirst that this world can’t satisfy

What if the trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise.”

Dear friends be blessed and encouraged abundantly today as we remember to celebrate our life, our friends, our journey and yes, our trials, and God’s never ending mercies!